Christmas: A season of hearty food and heartfelt joy, a time to frolic in feathery piles of snow, a moment to rest from everyday toil and unite under a banner in peace and love. But just as the world is beginning to join hands and sing of co-operation and happiness, someone puts on a 'Kenny G's Christmas Memories' CD. In an instant, that fragile moment of unity is shattered, and every corner of the earth erupt into a vicious, merciless war, ultimately resulting in the complete annihilation of the human race. It's a horrible prospect to consider, but it's a prophetic warning and call to arms against the flock of cheese-drenched festive songs that descend upon our innocent ears every year. Other than manually popping their eardrums with sharp objects, the general public has had no way of defending itself from these songs. But now there's a respite from the pain! Thanks to modern science, the musicians at Unschooled Records have electronically destroyed and reassembled 12 Christmas classics proven to be 100% humbug-free. 'A Very Unschooled Christmas' covers a lot of musical ground in its magical sleigh. Decomposure starts things off with an explosive version of 'Little Drummer Boy', puncturing the melody with a wall of drums the title has long deserved. Captain Ahab follows along with his own vocoder-drenched 80s take on 'Do They Know It's Christmas Time?', and Plat focus their live instrumentation and computer tweakery talents at 'O Holy Night'. Multi-Panel glitches and crackles through his guitar-dipped revision of 'Silent Night', while A Bit Crusher offers up a 'White Christmas' made of equal parts funkiness, quirkiness, and computer/red wine-filtered reflection. 1980 reaches deep into his computer's soul for an oddly sincere 'Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)' set adrift in digital ambience, only to give way to Doofgoblin's squirking, beat-shifting reinvention of 'Deck the Halls' and Ochre's alternate-universe-gameboy mix of 'Jingle Bells'. Obliminal turns the formerly sedate 'God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen' into a deep-grooving distorted stomp, and 1st Class Lounge pushes 'Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies' through the industrial glam-goth grinder, with surreal results. Plan 29 radically reinterprets 'O Little Town of Bethleham', intoning the lyrics bleakly over layers of black ambience. Finally, Skates' 'O Come All Ye SKATESful' sends scattered jazz-infused rap slithering through throbbing melody and caustic beat chunks. Because after all, it's just not Christmas without caustic beat chunks! Next time you find yourself reaching for 'Britney's Christmas Miracle, Vol. 1', think of the consequences. In a season full of angry shoppers, dead-horse clichés and unabashed appeals to greed, even the smallest courtesy can make a big difference. Help make a united, peaceful world possible - buy 'A Very Unschooled Christmas' today. Because after all, that's what Christmas is all about, isn't it?