I know that I am small and I don't want to be big, big as raindrop which falls to ocean of eternity.Everyone has wishes and his joy.Everyone beats battles and it has his reproaches.Everyone has aches and his suffering.Everyone beats time and hour of death comes.All are from of meat which transiently is.Secret are secreted but wish discovered, wishes and way which leads to salvation. Nothing me doesn't talk wood which rots, not even iron which in lava steps, nothing me is not water which evaporates, nothing is my air,which in vacuum loses.What will be my earth and her material assets? All is without organized connections. Or atom isn't center of space.People go crazy and they are afraid of changes.Someone created us and where is ours goal? God is not only which truth knows and person is not only which occurs of salvation.What of animals? They fight for survival.Isn't person animal? Who whole created? Earth, planet, stars, hazes, galaxy, black hole, quasars... Meat is cursed, devil's, dirty,no eatable,disgusting,...I'd like to give birth in my body once again.No hate any more alone self, I feel some am get caught in my own body.Sometimes I feel some from him come out and come in.I dream devilish dreams.I vomit own brain.Me being showed demonic images.Freaks, no salvation.People which in purgatory hate and they serve to devil.Hour is going by as second.Lost in time.No, I am on way to eternity.To blue light whick shines eternally.Only feeling is all.There is no pain.I dream that I am crushing teeth.I think that I have power above feeling and supervision above body.I have baby feeling.I feel as baby.What behind this?I see some hate feel your pain, I know how you feel and What you think.I know something are you think that I am madman without return.I feeling gravity of land.I feeling bad spirits.Malicious forces.I stand at window and I feel devil some me invites that I throw from 5 floor.I stand at window and I feel some me set malicious greatly to leg which me is talk that I will lose her.All is only thought and nothing is not truth all is only feeling.Long time I didn't see light.Or still at all is.Queen of night bewitched me.She took me to herself.I Buried lie in bed, I am rotting, muscles die away to me or them at all still have.I killed time.I am younger.I don't have years any more.I have only feeling.All is deception. Love? She isn't there at me any more.I compete in destroying of love.I don't like her.I don't love her.It isn't my friend.She disappointed me.Or I disappointed her.I look How you love with other.You don't like me.You are carrying blind love.Why do you do this? That you would kill me.You can't kill me!You can't disappoint me. I'm too hard for you!You are too soft for me.You loved me I loved you.But already all is finished between us now. Return to reality! Possibility doesn't feel like for survival.Everybody is transient.You don't stay for yield.How many times I was been deceived? How many times I was been disappointed? But what does devil about all this break down?What is he earning about?Who to benefit?Or has at all something sense?Or has at all sense to give birth? To be given birth for death? To live for death? Return to core. Where is sense of birth? To live for suffering and death.Is answer hiding in eternity? Who is carrying answer? Say to me? Do you know? Where is secret of life? Did time stop? Eternal suffering.Eternal doom.Somewhere live fate?Where are you hiding? Who bent creation of person?Who gave him possibility of evolution?Who created first creature which kept and it made progress? Where it was created? This are you good God! Thank you for birth and for death? What do you offer me in eternity? Who will bring answer on question? I. No, you aren't wrong.I am not responsible behind this? Life after life. Exists! I can claim this.But I don't know any more.At least behind once no.I don't know What me brings future? Is already all forged? Is already all arranged in advance? What would like cherish life from me? What let you offer?I don't have nothing for by guitar and stupid intellect.No control any more alone self. I have rotten meat and few intellects.But what will be my this? It is useless.He doesn't serve to me any more? It is broken.He smells bad.What can save me from this accident? Oh, Good Lord please help me. Where is salvation? Who knows this? Who knows answer? Most probably you which this read? Tell me? Say to world.Say to world what your friend know!It will be easier to breathe this cursed air after? It is true too much that it would be true. Or am I still at all I? Or am not someone other that play own ego? He is changing, he is being masked, he it pretends.Who am at all I? Or I didn't say that I was small and I don't want to be large? Or I didn't say that I was cursed and I am from meat? Who created me? From somewhere springs up all my I? Aren't thoughts separated from body? Or I wasn't already purred am given birth! It is I!! I am remembering. I was more beautiful! Come to am on worse and to die.Payment for life.Death.Repeated birth.Vicious circle.No, end.Reincarnation? I hope that no.Who will save me from repeated birth and death? Birth wouldn't like to give again any more! He is enough once.Still too much! Birth is sadness death is joy. About good God.Why did you call just me? What you talks my presence in the world? Who knows answer on question? I no. You no. They no.You no. I already thought about colic of thought and how much words start talking but answer on this who me called and created me not still found.As right? Just I! Where is mission mine? I think that I know.But I won't issue this.I know about myself.It isn't all the same to none forby me.I have at least something. Mission! Is this sense of life?To finish own mission.I think that this is sense of life.To finish own mission! And to come back home.To home from where spring up! The way is heavy and prickles.But you can return only so home.Didn't I hear this already somewhere? Didn't I hear this already somewhere and saw? I sweat when I writing this.Ghastly sweat pour all overs me. I tolerate! But I know suffering is way to salvation.There is no other choice.I must tolerate.I must die, that I will be salvation.I know this.This is solution of life! Bastard devil! You want to deceive me.You will fail!You are wrong.You missed person.You travel on edge of space! You go straight to black hole.There where you will eternally tortured. You deserve pain.You didn't finish mission. You finished him superficially.Eternal suffering is waiting for you now. Be aware of this, suffering is eternal.Dooming is eternal. Freedom prohibited. Earning of eternal sentence.Or it isn't horrible! Interior of world is hollow.You can hear million of people, and other creatures, which they tolerate in her. Deformed images! Freaks! Eternal horror and suffering! Return to core.Eternal suffering.Where is core of this? Eternal freedom. Somewhere is core of this?Where is there truth? In words and actions. I am tired. Tired from life and toleratings of own thoughts. I'd like to get free from conspiracy. Of conspiracy which is hit round me. Nothing is truth. All is lie. What will be me birds, which they look forward morning and all nights spend? What will be me stone, which rolling round mountain?What be me flower which grows in the middle of field? What will be me cereal fields ? What? What will be me syrup, which he strains? And milk, honey, pap? What will be me all this? Or let leave to stomach hungry? Let I am dieing of hunger? Yes. I said, that suffering was way to salvation. I offer you my hand. What do you pass me? Or me have something behind to show? Do you have to give me something? Liar.You only pretend. Your fate is arranged. You don't worry. What are you forging about me? What are you forging about yourself? Where is truth written down? In whose hands does fate live? Where hide truth? Say to me already somewhere live? Where is felicity of life hiding? I know this. But I don't say to you! Secret is worthy of life too much. About God help me! I very hate! I have also blue feeling.Drugged morning.Conspiracy against truth.What am I carrying in head? Broken meat. Two rotten seed of died away shell from egg. Yeah I know you Arthur Rimbaud, which you talk: »Poet become prophet If you are long, extensive and intelligently destroy receptors.All shapes of love, sufferings and insanities, searches, pleasure all poisons and he keeps only their cores.This is outrageous ache, you need all your religion and against human strength and which you become largest patient, criminal, the most cursed – and the most trained – between all people. As arrive at unknown! That is why because cultivate own soul – which was rich already at the beginning – more as whichever another person! Achieve strangely and although can, finally crazy, you lose understanding of own visions, you at least saw them!« I was been in devilish valley.In center of nothing.Lost.I was feeling curse of hell.Eternally timeless suffering.Burning pain.Omelette in hell.I was been cursed!Am not I still now? All was bewitched.I was been dead body.I was feeling dying of body. Mutilation.Eternally pain.I was lost in place.Without return to reality. What will you be me now? Do you understand me? Do you hear me? You , yes. I speak to you. Blue son.Did I pay to devil? Or I am from earned sentence? Is he only coming? Who would know answer? Where did I sin that you punish me now? Where did I break Lord will? Who harms me? Who deceived me? Did deal fall apart? Did I break rules? Yes I am searched. Still I search! Feeling is deception. He is deceiving you. He doesn't use these. Are now come to mortal hour? Did time of renown come? All me smells of devil. What is cracking in house? Did devil settle in him? Is his nest hiding there? He played his play and went. Now I feel some me deceived.He is deceiving me still. And he also will be we. As long as I don't pay off to him! Payment is death.Didn't all I search for just death all this time?Didn't I look forward to her arrival? I was greeting her with smile. Opened am her door. Syrup strained as honey from hive. I was drinking up. Liquid of eternal potion. He drugged me. He paralysed my body. Black liquid poisoned my body.She modified me view on world. She gave wisdom back to me.Boldness. She poured into me wills. She waked up me from sleep. She took away me to repeated birth. She cleaned my poisons from body.She killed bad spirits, which they nested in my body.Mixed me is head and reality nullified feelings. Slowly.She sharpened my view on world. I have sharper vision. Hearing sharpened. Smell… I don't have friends any more.I don't want to have them.No serve me.They drived me nuts.Disgusted me friendship.Disgusted me kindness. Doesn't every living creature have blood? Person is in related with him. You can sin once alone. It is this when you are born.Original sin. Are we alone in space? Are planets empty? Doesn't possibility feel like development of life infinitely?Where is fate of Earth hiding? Who is carrying her shape? Who is turning her around? Or God is her force and gravity.From somewhere appeared material? Who caused creation – universe? From somewhere all material rises? How much time let I still ask, that I will get answer? From somewhere all this rises? Do you know how to say answer to me, which you read this? Don't be ashamed. I know that you know! Everybody doesn't go crazy per his manner.Who me can says What is reality? Who can me prescribes intellect. Is it possible to get her per prescription in pharmacy? How much does new intellect cost? Prepared feel like her to squander last atom of money.I would like to replace her.He most probably.Isn't right cheap.How much price of reborn? New birth. Jesus say me. I am Christian. I believe in miracles. I believe in life and birth after death. Can religion save me from this accident? Where is sailed my ship? What kind of ocean is sailed? I know you Walt Whitman, which you say: Where I am felt the most safe,something frightened me, Withdraw to quiet forest, that I loved them, I won't go above pastures on walk I didn't take off my suit, that I would ubite with my lover – Sea, I won't put down my meat on land for thread on second Meat, that I would reinvigorate me. How is possible, that earth doesn't feel like it disgusts? How can to smell sweet, spring plants? How are at all medicinal, juice of herbs, of roots, of orchards, Grains? Aren't absorbent cottons laying contagious bodies incessantly? Aren't continents all across and ploughed by bitter death across? Where are abolished of all own dead bodies? Drunkards and gluttons of such generations? Where siphoned all stinking liquid and meat? I see nothing from this on you today, or perhaps Disturb, I will be ploughing groove with plough,I will plant spade to turf and I turned her, I am convinced, that I will strip little broken meat. Look this fertilizer! Take a look at him well! Every worm perhaps was small part of ill person once – still look! Spring grass overlaps prairies, Bean is budding inaudibly via finger in garden, Sensitively onion stalk breaks through upwards, Apple buds flock on apple tree's branches, Wheat with pale face is getting up from graves, Willow and mulberry are being evoked in colours, Bird males to twitter mornings and evenings, while of solitary confinement They sit on their nests, Chickens are rising up from egg shell, Cubs are being dropped, silly comes from cow and stallion From mare, Darkly green potato leaves are putting forth from hill faithfully, Yellow maize stalks are rising up beside them, Lilac is blooming on yard, Summer growth is innocent and aloof above all these layers Bitter deaths. What kind of chemistry! That winds realy aren't contagious, That this is no deception, that transparent washed greenery Seas, which she is in love with me so, That I can leave even my naked body to her carelessly, That he is licking him with his tongues, That me no will endanger with fever, which are accommodated in her, That is all so quite for ever and ever, That cold swallow from well so to fit That there are blueberries so scented and juicy, No apple gives or orange, cantaloupe, peach or Plum, not even grape, that none from these fruit will be we Poisoned, That I fall ill with no disease, when I lie down in grass, Although probably every grass blade is putting forth from this, it is which It was infectious once disease. Now I am frightened on Earth, so calm and patient, He is giving birth to so sweet things from such corruption, Spotless and harmless turns around, around own axle Infinitely kind of ill bodies, From distils so scented winds from mated stink, With so no conscious view every year renews of curve And splendid harvests, Is giving people so divine necessities and at last gets Such remainders. Right think you that this read.I am stupid. I have mixed mind.I know this! To all people shines the same sun and so different are people! I compete against alone self. Fight against alone self.Almost am already won but I yielded. End will be born soon. Did I start ever!? Christian's letter for Izzy Young February 2009