The Converted Garage Tapes Words and Music by Earl Vickers Charlie Goldman-Sachs (Occupy the Gallows) A cowboy song about the banking crisis and how we used to deal with crooks Copyright 2011 Earl Vickers Everyone took notice when Charlie rode into town Ladies tried to catch his eye, cowboys gathered 'round Some said he was a banker, some said he was the law Some said he was a petty thief from out near Wichita He sat down on a bar stool, bought drinks for everyone Just got in from Barstow, out on a cattle run He'd shot a lot of Indians, couple Mexicans too If you don't mess with Charlie, he won't mess with you Charlie seemed aware of every crime in Santa Fe Soon they made him sheriff and he hauled the crooks away Took care of dogs and orphans, wealthy widows too If you take care of Charlie, he'll take care of you (bridge) He heard it from the gov'nor, or from the gov'nor's friend Railroad line was coming, he didn't say just when He had a hand-drawn map, showed where the tracks would go Anyone can buy some land and make a lot of dough Charlie had some plots you could purchase for a steal You'd have to be a damn fool not to get in on this deal But just so he made certain, he sold each parcel twice You could lose your fortune, but Charlie'd do all right When all the money dried up, Charlie disappeared as well They rounded up a posse and hit the Pecos trail Found him in Durango, broke him out of jail Slipped a noose around his neck and sent his soul to hell Lost His Sense of Humor in the War Based on a story a friend told me about his ex-girlfriend's father Copyright 1999 Earl Vickers Deadly wordplay at point-blank range had no effect Laughter-seeking missiles never found him If comedy were torture, he would not confess Jokes exploded harmlessly all around him Lost his sense of humor in the war Lost his sense of humor in the war Ain’t nothing funny any more Lost his sense of humor in the war He told us stories and poetry he knew by heart but his laughter stayed hidden in some dark place Even memories of enemies blown apart could barely bring a painful smile to his face In the mountains of Greece, 1941 a country animal doc fought the Nazi machine He never said too much when we were young When we grew older, Mother proudly explained: He brought donkeys and pack mules back to health again Three winters he survived, no supplies left He fed starving horses to starving men Don’t take him wrong, he just forgot how to laugh Lost his sense of humor in the war Lost his sense of humor in the war Ain’t nothing funny any more Lost his sense of humor in the war Lost his sense of humor in the war I Choose You (Written for my wedding) Copyright 2007 Earl Vickers Now I’ve found someone who understands me I’ve found someone who cares Yes I’ve found somebody who can stand me And it’s more than the way you make me feel when I’m filled with thankfulness Even when we’re cranky, there is real love Love, real love is a choice you make a vow you take and I Choose You So I take you to be my wedded wife My lover and my best friend and I give the best years of my life to you Yes I take you for better or for worse though better is better, of course So let’s have some fun until the hearse comes (Instrumental) And if we ever lose our way I’ll hold your hand until the break of day And if we start to drift apart I’ll give you all the love that’s in my heart and if we fight and tears are cried I choose to find a way to take your side Love, real love is a choice you make a vow you take when you’re wide awake it’s what you give not what you take it’s like a piece of wedding cake not eloping was a big mistake Love, real love is a choice you make and I Choose You Yeah, you You in the white dress I love you Middle Age Love Copyright 2008 Earl Vickers 1. If I had met you long ago when we were only seventeen What might have been? Would we fight or would we find true love? That flame could have been too hot to hold It would have burned out long ago There’s something oh so sweet about this love Middle Age Love Not as crazy as young love Not as creepy as old love Middle Age Love Middle Age Love 2. Now we don’t need lots of drama, nights are nice in our pajamas, a dream come true No dinner dates, no muss, no fuss And though it seems like work is all we ever do There’s never room for me and you Still we set aside some time for us Middle Age Love Saturday Night Love Not as crazy as young love Not as creepy as old love Middle Age Love Middle Age Love 3. And when I’m old and I don’t see so good I'll swear you look just like you did before And I can see just what you’re thinking of We'll go to bed and watch a movie but we won't see many love scenes any more of people our own age No funny biz these days But sometimes we'll still have memories of... Middle Age Love Not as crazy as young love Not as creepy as old love Middle Age Love Middle Age Love Trade Her in for You (pop song about friends with benefits) Copyright 2000 Earl Vickers Love to spend the night with that girl, but I don’t like to kiss her Love it when she’s here, but when she’s gone I don’t miss her Love the time we spend in my room Hope she finds somebody else soon Love to spend the night with that girl, but I don’t like to kiss her I just wanna set her free, I don’t wanna hurt her She’s been so good to me, I hate to desert her I don’t need her all to myself She’s the perfect girl for someone else I just wanna set her free, I don’t wanna hurt her I just wanna Trade Her in for You, yes I do You’re the kinda girl that makes skies blue Hope one day you will love me too I just wanna Trade Her in for You Trade Her in for You Trade Her in for You Listen baby, I’m no fool, I know where this is headed I may be crazy craving you, but you gotta give me credit I can see the way things work You’ll treat me like I treat her Listen baby I’m no fool, I know where this is headed But I just wanna Trade Her in for You, yes I do You’re the kinda girl that makes guys blue Hope one day you will love me too I just wanna Trade Her in for You Trade Her in for You Trade Her in for You Love to spend the night with that girl, but I don’t like to kiss her Special Effects (Attempt at a pop song, needs a girl singer) Copyright 2008 Earl Vickers I fell into your orbit Slow mo, out of control My heart was teleported You levitated my soul / You got Special Effects... on my body Special Effects... on my mind Special Effects... I can feel your Special Effects... up and down my spine Don’t need an outer space scene Flying, taking me higher You send my heart racing (You) set me on fire, ‘cause you got Special Effects... on my body Special Effects... on my mind Special Effects... I can feel your Special Effects... up and down my spine I just need your love I just need your love I just need your love I don’t need a lotta Special Effects (instrumental) Scout out the perfect setting Invite the cast, invite the crew Let’s end it with a wedding (But) first a sneak preview! / of your Special Effects... on my body Special Effects... on my mind Special Effects... I can feel your Special Effects... up and down my spine (repeat) Don't Piss in the WELL (A song about virtual community. Inevitably, it triggered a big flame war.) Copyright 1992 Earl Vickers They say respect is circular They say your karma returns They say what you do will come back to you They say lots of things but some folks never learn Don't Piss in the WELL You'll be drinking that same yellow water You are what you think So don't pee where you drink or you'll be more peed off than you ought'er Don't Piss in the WELL Don't pollute the waters we're drinking You get what you give So don't sh*t where you live or we won't give a sh*t what you're thinking You can't expect to love everyone But hate is like a disease Life's full of hassles Some people are assholes and some of them have their own user-I.D.'s But Don't Piss in the WELL and don't poison the thoughts of each other Don't piss off your sisters and bother your brothers and possible future significant others Don't Piss in the WELL ... We don't login to your toilet This is our monochrome cyberspace home and we wouldn't want someone to spoil it (Urinstrumental) Don't Piss in the WELL and don't act like you didn't do it You're what you pretend Better watch what you send Take care who you flame or you'll get back the same We're all human beings So watch where you're peeing and Don't Piss in the WELL, oh no, Don't Piss in the WELL (what I said) Don't Piss in the WELL Erection (A song about love at first sight - my attempt at writing a Motown song like "Second that Emotion") Copyright 1999 Earl Vickers Never thought I’d ever find somebody Never thought I’d ever find a woman so true Now every time I think about it Can’t help but think about the first time that I met you ooh I knew Your eyes told me You wanted to hold me When I saw your face, oh yeah When I saw your face, uh huh When I saw your face, oh yeah Gave me an erection I forgot to get your name and number I turned around but you had wandered away Could not believe I made such a blunder I didn’t think I’d ever find you, Then you said “Hey” “Hey” It’s okay Your eyes told me You wanted to hold me When I saw your face, oh yeah When I saw your face, uh huh When I saw your face, oh yeah Gave me an erection I could never love another You know my love for you is real Girl, we can make it You know I can’t fake it I’ll show you the way I feel ‘Cause every time I see your face Every time and every place Every time I see your face Gives me an erection Sign of my affection Aimed in your direction Wearing some protection Not prone to introspection Doesn’t like rejection You Hate Me and I Don't Know Why (This one is painfully honest, mostly) Copyright 2009 Earl Vickers 1) I called you up the other day It’s been years and years, I couldn’t wait to talk heart to heart You were always such a sweet thing I can see your face, I can’t believe that we drifted apart 2) But the moment you heard my voice you slammed down the phone, like you had no choice and I felt empty inside You know it really kills me, it just kills me, to think you’ve been hating me all this time ch) You hate me and I don’t know why (I don't know why) You hate me and I don't know why 3) You know I had some dark years Just disappeared, like so many tears Like so many dead ends I lashed out at lovers and strangers, but I swear I thought that we ended as friends ch) You hate me and I don’t know why... Was it something that I said about wishing you and all your friends were dead? Was it something that I did? Did I knock you up and not pay for the kid? Did I do something wrong? I bet I did, but it’s been so long and now you hate me and I don’t know why Did you think that I uploaded all those photos of your bloated naked body to the internet? You look so cute when you’re nude & upset Did I lock you in a crate? Am I the one who taught you how to hate? ‘Cause you hate me and I don’t know why ch) You hate me and I don’t know why... 4) I’m sorry if I hurt you or disturbed you, or deserted you You be the judge But it’s been a long time such a long time, this must be a record for holding a grudge 5) I guess I had my chances Can’t be demanding any answers I guess I was wrong But if you can forgive me please forgive me, I’m pouring my heart out to you in this song Can I undo what I did? Can I take it back, whatever it is? Can I go back in time Make it right and undo my crime? Can I make it up to you? Can I come and make sweet love to you? (kidding...) I know you hate me but I don’t know why ch) You hate me and I don’t know why... Oh won’t you tell me please? There’s so many possibilities Did I give you some disease? Rabies or fleas or allergies Do I make you sneeze? Did I give you the idiopathic hate-me’s? 'Cause you hate me and I don’t know why Everyone's Prayer Copyright 2008 Earl Vickers When my past feels like a book full of things I've done wrong And this life no longer looks like a place I belong When each day's a bad dream I'm reliving and there's no way to start again Let mistakes of the past be forgiven and new life begin May I be happy May I be healthy May I find peace and freedom from harm When you're lost and alone and it feels like you've been there for years and each day's like an endless ordeal seen through eyes full of tears When all of your sorrows come knocking you don't have to let 'em in In your heart everything you've been looking for has always been May you be happy May you be healthy May you find peace and freedom from harm When humanity feels like a test that we've already failed and the future's uncertain at best, and at worst looks like hell When the whole world is laughing and crying, almost too much to bear Sing a song for the living and dying, it's everyone's prayer May we be happy May we be healthy May we find peace and freedom from harm May we be happy May we be healthy May we find peace and freedom from harm Nocturne in E-flat Major (Written for a friend's twin daughters. Music by Frederic Chopin, arr. Earl Vickers.) Good night little baby Good night, sleep tight, and maybe when day wakes tomorrow A whole new world will open up to you Good night little baby It's time to go to bed though I know you really really really don’t wanna Your momma is sleepy so knock it off you knucklehead and sleep You’re so tiny and shiny Soft little heinie So tired and whiny Dream time would be fine Don’t cry little critter It’s time for eyes to close though you’d rather keep us all awake than surrender Remember, we love you We love you even more when you’re asleep